Freedom from the Approval Trap

I want to start with a question: Whose approval are you really living for?

For many of us, the honest answer is…everyone but God.

We chase approval in a thousand directions—through our appearance, performance, parenting, achievements, or how perfect our lives look on social media. 

We smile when we’re exhausted. We overcommit when we’re overwhelmed. We morph to avoid rejection or judgment.  This, my sisters, is the approval trap—and it’s exhausting.

The approval trap for women refers to the tendency or pressure to seek validation, acceptance, or worth from others—often at the expense of our own well-being, authenticity, or calling. 

This can show up in many areas of life, such as:    

-Pleasing others instead of setting boundaries

-Overcommitting to be liked or seen as capable

-Basing self-worth on external affirmation

-Staying silent or minimizing ourselves to avoid conflict or disapproval.

For many women, the approval trap is tied to cultural, social, or even religious expectations to be “nice,” “selfless,” or “perfect.” It can lead to burnout, resentment, or a disconnect from one’s true values and purpose.

Before I go any further, I have a confession to make. I am a recovering perfectionist.

I grew up an only child in a military family and at a very young age, I received a lot of praise for doing things well, for how I looked, for how I performed, and that type of admiration can be very addictive. I tried my whole life to do the right things and be “perfect” and make sure I never did anything that would reflect negatively on my parents. A lot of this was self-driven because I started feeding off the attention I received when I did things perfectly. 

I was very active and successful all through school and did everything you can imagine as far as activities, sports, groups and yes, in high school I was the captain of the cheerleading squad.  After graduating high school and of course being senior class president I then went onto the next step, which would of course be college and then went onto the next step, which would of course be a great corporate job and then went onto the next step of meeting someone who was in his last year of law school and if that didn’t fit the picture perfect world I was trying to create I don’t know what would. (And this is where it starts getting interesting because once you get married, you realize you can’t control another person and have ultimate control over your perfect little world.) 

We went on to get married in 1996 and have two amazing children.  Everywhere we went we would hear “million-dollar family” or “perfect little family”.  

I had the tall, dark and handsome husband, a daughter and a son and from outwardly appearances everything looked perfect and honestly felt perfect to me…this was what I had always wanted, and I always got what I wanted.  

Fast-forward to 2005 when I find out my husband had been unfaithful, and at this time in my life, I now have a two and a five-year-old. That season was probably one of the most difficult times in my life, but the blessings during that season of brokenness, how close I got to God and how much I grew through that process honestly made it worth every single tear.

My husband and I got plugged into church and really fought for our marriage. In 2008 I started attending Celebrate Recovery. It was during one of those teachings that they shared a list of character defects, and I was shocked to see that one of the character defects was perfectionism. I remember coming home that night and saying to my husband “did you know perfectionism is a character defect?” His response was “Yes.  Do you know how hard it is to be married to a perfectionist?” And then my kids from upstairs yelled down “do you know how hard it is to have a mom who’s a perfectionist?” It was the first time I think in my life that I realized what I was striving for in perfectionism was not at all who God wanted me to be and it was a character defect. If the Bible says “in our weakness, He is made strong” then God doesn’t want me to be perfect, and He never called me to be perfect. If I was perfect, I wouldn’t need a Savior.  Being perfect means, I don’t really trust God because I’m making it about me and how things appear and not making it about Him.  

My husband and I continued to fight for our marriage, healing individually and as a couple, striving to put God first, actively attending and serving in church, he got saved and baptized, we were both doing “all the right things.”  God was opening so many doors, and we were being asked to give our testimony and speak at seminars.  We were mentoring and coaching couples and it was in this season that I really found my passion to become a life coach and particularly help women and couples heal from those unexpected moments in life. We were really trying to live out the scripture that says, “what the enemy intended for evil, God could and would use for good.” 

Looking back, I was trying to heal perfectly and have the perfect success story from our brokenness only to find out 8 1/2 years later there had been another affair…that was really, I think my moment of truth. When it happened this time, I didn’t rush to get on the other side of it, I felt the pain, the sadness and the betrayal to my core.  I knew that I needed to really feel it, in order to really heal from it.  

I remember asking my new counselor what homework do you have for me?  What books should I read?  (Still being in my perfectionist mode.) And she said, “I just want you to go home and feel it.”  My perfect world was crumbling, and I was going to have to do something different this time and trust God on a whole new level.  I had stayed the first time for my children to show them that God can heal anything, and I really wanted to keep my family together.  I felt like that was the right thing to do and so many Christian mentors were telling me that too and reminding me that God hated divorce.  I too as a perfectionist hated divorce…it felt like the ultimate failure.  

The Word does say God hates divorce, but I also believe He hated the other stuff that was going on in our marriage too. I know He’s a God of 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th chances and somehow, He would take this recent betrayal and work all of it together for good, in His perfect timing.  When the last affair happened, as much as I loved my husband at the time, this time I felt like I had to leave because of the children because this was not the example I wanted to set for them for marriage.  It wasn’t that God can’t fix anything; it was that He gives us free will and there will be people in our lives that make choices that don’t line up with the will of God.  We must have healthy boundaries to love ourselves more than we love holding onto a broken dream, like broken glass, that it is cutting us and we’re still trying to put it back together.  I remember the Lord telling me in my spirit “you’re trying to fix your hell, and I have a whole promise land waiting for you.”  I eventually filed for divorce after 23 years together, and we’ve been divorced since 2016.

In this hard season of being a single, divorced mom, having to go back to work full-time, it was prophesied over me that I would marry a widower. Someone who loved love, who had a great first marriage and wanted to get married again. (And shout out to Mary who is one of my best friends and here today, thank you Mary!) In January 2018, I met him…a widower who said the exact same things on our first date that had been prophesied over me…my Boaz, my kinsman redeemer, my Mr Wonderful and we got married December 2018 and I am happier than I have ever been.  I can look back now and be so grateful for everything that happened that brought me to this moment. The marriage and the life I have today isn’t about trying to look or be perfect or get approval from others, it really is about honoring God by putting Him first and living a real, honest, transparent, sometimes messy life that reflects I am nothing without God.  

There has been a shift in me, from perfectionism to having a spirit of excellence and being the best, I can be…anything good you see in me is from God.  

When I laid down my desire to get approval from others, God really brought me the true desires of my heart and gave me above and beyond whatever I could think, dream or imagine. God really does want to turn our wounds into wisdom.  

So that’s a little bit of my testimony but what does the Bible say about the approval trap?  

The Bible speaks directly to the approval trap.

In Galatians 1:10, the apostle Paul asks:

“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

Let that sink in. Paul makes it clear: you can’t live for  God   and live for the approval of others  at the same time.

And yet—we try.

We strive to be the perfect mom, the polished wife, the high-performing professional, the constantly available friend. And in doing so, we forget the truth:

Our identity doesn’t come from what we do. It comes from Whose we are.

You are a daughter of the King.

Not because you’ve earned it.

Not because you’ve achieved it.

Not because you look the part.

You are loved because He created you and called you His own.

“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” – 1 John 3:1

Ladies, the world will try to sell you a thousand false identities:

   •   You are what you weigh.

   •   You are what others think.

   •   You are only as good as your last success—or your last failure.

   •   You must be flawless to be worthy.

But God says something entirely different.

“You are fearfully and wonderfully made.” – Psalm 139:14

“You are God’s masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus to do good works.” – Ephesians 2:10

God doesn’t ask us to be perfect. He calls us to be faithful.  He doesn’t want us to present a façade or to try and manipulate, He wants us to be real, true and genuine.  We’ve got to stop faking it and start faithing it. 

God wants us to perfectly submit to Him, in all areas of our lives.  Perfect submission is a lifelong journey, not a single achievement.  It requires continual reliance on the Holy Spirit, as human strength alone isn’t enough.

“Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit.” - Zechariah 4:6

We’ve got to stop performing and start abiding.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” – Romans 12:2

That means we need to renew our minds daily with God’s truth, not the world’s noise.

We let go of trying to measure up, and we start resting in His grace.

We don’t have to earn His approval. We already have it through Jesus Christ.

And that, my sisters, is freedom.

So today, I encourage you:

   •   Stop comparing.

   •   Stop striving.

   •   Stop performing.

   •   And start receiving.

You are chosen, loved, and complete in Christ.  Let that be your foundation.

Because when your heart is grounded in God’s approval, the opinions of others lose their power. 

So what is a practical way that you can walk this out?

Here is 5-Step Biblical Formula to Avoid the Approval Trap

#1. Anchor Your Identity in Christ

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” – 2 Corinthians 5:17

“You are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus.” – Galatians 3:26

You are not defined by your success, image, or others’ opinions. You are defined by your position in Christ.

Daily affirm who you are in God’s Word—His daughter, beloved, chosen, redeemed.

#2. Renew Your Mind with God’s Truth

Again “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” – Romans 12:2

The world says, “Be more, do more, look better.” God says, “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10)

Replace lies such as, “I’m not enough” with truth such as, “I am complete in Christ” – Colossians 2:10. Journal and memorize verses that speak to your identity.  Declare and speak positive truth over yourself…talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend or your daughter.

#3. Seek God’s Approval Over People’s

As I mentioned earlier Galatians 1:10 says 

“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? … If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” 

Living for God’s approval leads to freedom; living for man’s approval leads to bondage.  You want to stay in the will of God and what He wants for you because that is what brings peace, joy and purpose.

When facing a decision, ask yourself: “Am I doing this to honor God or to impress others?”

#4. Rest in Grace, Not Perfection/Performance

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9

You don’t have to be perfect—Christ already was. His grace covers your imperfections.

Give yourself permission to be human. Confess perfectionism, then thank God for His unchanging grace.  When you fail at something or make a mistake, take accountability, apologize and move forward.  Ask God what He wants you to learn from it, learn your lesson, makes changes and let it go.

#5. Abide in Christ and Walk by the Spirit

“Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.” – John 15:4

“Walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.” – Galatians 5:16

When you stay connected to Jesus daily, you naturally resist worldly pressures.

Start your day in God’s presence—through prayer, worship, and the Word. This centers your heart in truth before the world tries to pull you off course.  Align yourself with other believers who will hold you accountable and will tell you “hey girl, you need to go and spend some alone time with Jesus.”

So in summary the 5 biblical steps to avoid the approval trap are: and I want you to repeat them after me…

Know who you are in Christ (repeat out loud)→ Renew your mind daily (repeat out loud)→ Live for God’s approval (repeat out loud)→ Rest in grace, not performance (repeat out loud)→ Stay connected to Jesus (repeat out loud)

Let’s NOT live for applause—but for obedience.

Let’s NOT walk for appearance—but for purpose.

Let’s break free from the approval trap—and run into the arms of the One whose love is perfect, and never fails.

My Pastor Shelia Craft recently said “Human words touch us, but the Word of God transforms us.”  No human words, praise or affirmation will transform us like the word of God so why are we chasing what the world can give us when God wants to give us so much more and truly transform our lives?

As believers we are supposed to look and be different.  So how can we do that, if the Word doesn’t transform us?  We can’t. That’s the whole point. Only through the Word—by soaking in Scripture, submitting to it, and allowing the Holy Spirit to apply it to our hearts—can we live differently. 

If we aren’t transformed by the Word, we will blend into the world. True transformation is what makes us light in a dark world. It’s not about acting different for show—it’s about being inwardly changed so deeply that it becomes visible.  This sisters is how we avoid the approval trap.  

Today gets to be a fresh start for you to get free from the approval trap, so I want to speak my life verse over you, this is God speaking directly to you through the prophet Isaiah…Isaiah 43, verse 18-19, “Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past.  See I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”

I pray you walk in confidence, peace, and freedom—today and always, completely free from the approval trap.

So I want to end with the same question I started with…Whose approval are you really living for?